WORK AND FAMILY

Getting Organized
Scheduling and Conducting Family Meetings
Resolving Family Conflicts
Teamwork at Home and at Work
Appreciating and Negotiating Differences

GETTING ORGANIZED

CALENDAR PLANNING MEETING

Purpose: The purpose of the meeting is to share information and achieve a common perspective on balancing achieving goals with having fun in the month ahead.

Time: Call a meeting near the close of each month to plan the month ahead.

CREATE A FAMILY INFORMATION CENTER

Choose a place in the home (strategically located so everyone will come across it) where the planning calendar is posted. Include other key information such as memos, important phone numbers (adults' work, children's friends). Stock it with paper, post-it notes, a message pad, pushpins for important school notices, and the like.

CREATE A FAMILY CALENDAR

Create a calendar to keep track of each family member’s schedule. The first column of the first row would have the month and the following rows the dates for the month. The next column would have the days of the week. The following columns would have the the name of each family member. Add weeks by adding rows for as many weeks as you want to show. You can use the calendar to help in planning and place it, with copies in other key places, for easy reference for all who need to use it. Add or delete columns as appropriate for your situation.

ILLUSTRATION FOR TWO WEEKS IN A GIVEN MONTH

Plan Events

Fill in the dates on the Family Planning Calendar, and enter each person's name (each person might write his/her own name; cutouts from family pictures may be included, or anything else that personalizes that person's column).

Take turns going over each member's month, entering events in the appropriate column.

Use colored stickers whenever possible. Have the person name the most important or valuable events, and tell why.

Display the completed calendar. Highlight important events and deadlines, and make plans to prepare for them. Discuss any scheduling conflicts.

Plan "just being"

Suggest, discuss, and plan activities that the family will do or attend together (dinner out, movies, sporting events, etc.).

Suggest, discuss, and plan times that individual members will spend with each other (father and daughter might attend a class or watch a special TV show; mother and son might play a computer game; the kids might bake or build something, etc.).

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SCHEDULING AND CONDUCTING FAMILY MEETINGS

Guidelines For Conducting A Family Meeting

Purpose: The purpose of a family meeting is to deepen understanding and appreciation of each family member, solve problems, and increase positive communication.

Time: Meetings can be held at a regular, established time or on an "as needed" basis. A closing time should be set for the meeting, using an alarm or egg timer. (Twenty minutes is a good maximum, but meetings can last longer.)

Procedure: Set the Stage. Choose a time and place when everyone is together and relaxed (at the table after a meal or later in an evening when everyone is home).
Begin by reviewing or posting the following list of "Do's and Don'ts" for the meeting:

Open Positively: Go around the group, having each person tell something he or she
appreciates about what has been going on in the household. (Other ideas for opening the meeting: Give someone a compliment; tell what you're proud of; share what you like about being in this family; tell something funny that happened.)

Uninterrupted Listening: Have those who wish to do so take up to 2 minutes each to bring up a problem or issue, or to tell what is bothering them about another family member's behavior. Others are not allowed to interrupt or respond until the person's turn is finished.

Find Solutions: Start with "brainstorming" possible solutions. For 5 minutes, collect and list all the solutions members suggest. (Using a large sheet of paper where everyone can see the suggestions listed is best). Don't discuss or evaluate any items, just make the longest list you can. Include funny or crazy-sounding solutions; this maintains perspective and gets people to think "outside the box."

After about 5 minutes, stop the brainstorming and evaluate the list.

Cross out suggestions that all agree are not workable or desirable. Make plans to implement the suggestions that remain on the list.

Evaluate progress in implementing the suggestions at the next meeting.

Close Positively: Go around the group again, having each person tell something he or she liked about the meeting.

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RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICTS

(insert material re: hot buttons)

Win-Win Problem Solving

When anyone loses, no one wins. When problems between people come up, always try for a win-win solution.

Define the problem in terms of needs. If there is interpersonal conflict, write down each person's list of needs.

Brainstorm a list of solutions. Don't worry about why any item would not work.

Include each person's items for changing the other's behavior, but try to get beyond these into more collaborative and mutually rewarding solutions. Entertain far-out or novel ideas.

Test each solution against the needs lists. Cross out any item that does not meet both/all people's needs. Discuss items that are left. Which are most feasible? Can they be combined?

Action-plan the solution. Mutually agree on a solution, and commit to implementing it. Make a plan that includes “by-whens” and “who-does-whats”. Anticipate what might go wrong, and create a back-up plan in case it does. Define how the solution will be evaluated.

Implement the solution.

Evaluate the solution. If it is working, celebrate! If it isn't working, recycle the process.

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TEAMWORK AT HOME AND WORK

Turn Tasks into Tidbits

Ensure a feeling of success by cutting independent tasks into manageable, bite-sized pieces. You
can start with the young child, small decisions, and small responsibilities. Rather than focus on
important, overwhelming issues, use the seemingly insignificant activities that fill every child's day.

Keep Your Kid in the Director's Chair

Try to avoid taking over your kid's responsibilities no matter how hard they try to get you involved. Balance your decision to hand responsibility back to your child with a supportive, caring attitude.

Treat 'Em as a Team

Sibling relationships are a great place to teach your kids to be cooperative team players. So during sibling fights, instead of dividing your kids or showing favoritism by taking sides, unite your kids and encourage them to problem solve and learn important relationship skills.

Diffuse, Don't Ignite, Conflict

Sidestep unnecessary struggles with silence or with brief or humorous responses. When you avoid your own defensive maneuvers, your children will have no need for theirs.

Use Motion, Not Emotion

When your anger is at its peak, instead of highlighting emotions with words, make your point with action. You can walk with your legs, point your finger, or even use pantomime as you move away from the power struggle.

Make the Most of Ho-Hum Moments

The key to being encouraging even in the hardest of times is to realize the importance of the simple, everyday happenings that are all too often ignored.

“Tune In” to Your Kids so They Don't Tune Out

Instead of always working so hard at making your children understand what you say, work hard at understanding and acknowledging what they say.

Make the Evidence Evident

Rather than focus on your child's potential, focus on your child's current, irrefutable
accomplishments by describing what you see and remember about what he/she has all ready mastered.

While it's okay to praise good results, you can multiply your self-esteem builders by highlighting the many small steps that occur as your child tackles each task.

from: Stop Struggling With Your Child by Weinhous and Friedman Harper Perennial, NY
(1991)

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APPRECIATING AND NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES

My Values

The most important thing in life is to decide what are the most important things in one’s life.

What should be the values that guide and inform the way we work together and treat each other?

Look over the list of values below. Circle items that are important to you. Then copy your top three values, ranked in order of importance, in the box below the list. Feel free to add values that aren't listed.

1. ___________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________

Values Negotiation Activity

1.Give each team or family member a copy of the following sheet, and have them complete it.

2.Ask people to pair up and take about 5 minutes to negotiate their list of six values (3 each) down to a list of 3 that both members agree on and have ranked.

3.Repeat Step 2 with fours (two on two), asking each group of four to take 15 minutes to come up with 3 values, ranked.

4.Repeat Step 2 with groups of eight, and so on, until the entire group has agreed on three governing values.

5.Then (or at another time), have the group brainstorm for each of the 3 values a list of behaviors, policies, guidelines, and so forth that demonstrate the value in action.

6.Have the group agree to make the values "the Boss." Whenever there is conflict or disagreement, or a gap appears between the agreed-upon values and the behavior of members of the group, someone is to yell, "GAP!"

This is the signal that one of the values has been violated. Those concerned are to sit down and figure out together, through a free and fair exchange of ideas and feelings, how to close the gap.

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